By Roger C.
Some members of Alcoholics Anonymous often seem to follow an unofficial policy just for the nonbelievers at AA meetings: “Don’t Tell.”
It is a policy imposed by a few and rarely challenged.
If you are an atheist, agnostic, humanist or secularist you had best keep your lack of belief in a deity to yourself. (And yet, according to Bill W, AA is officially for everyone “regardless of their belief or lack of belief”.)
Here’s an example of the problem: John M tells about how easily everyone accepts it when an AA speaker says, “I owe this to my Higher Power whom I choose to call God.”
“No problem here!” John writes, and he continues:
However, a long standing sober member of my home group once told me that when she was sharing at a closed meeting she spoke of her higher power “whom I choose not to call God.” The looks she got, the raised eyebrows, the shuffling of fannies in the chairs indicated to her that her declaration was a problem for many in the room. At that moment, it felt to her as if she had uttered a blasphemy.
“Don’t Tell.” That’s the policy for nonbelievers in AA.
There are three main ways to be “outed” as an agnostic in Alcoholics Anonymous:
- By sharing, as John’s friend did.
- By removing the word “God” from the 12 Step program of recovery. In 1939 the words “as we understood Him” were added to “God” in the suggested 12 Steps. In 2011 for many nonbelievers that compromise is not enough and the word “God” is removed while the intent of the Step is maintained.
- By declining to recite the Lord’s Prayer at the end of an AA meeting.
Some readers will be familiar with the “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” policy which was for some time the official United States policy on homosexuals serving in the military. The policy prohibited discriminating against or harassing closeted homosexual or bisexual service members, while barring openly gay or lesbian persons from military service.
The “Don’t Tell” part of the policy meant that if you didn’t let on that you were a gay or a lesbian then you could still be a member in good standing of the armed forces. If you admitted you were a homosexual, however, then you were kicked out.
The “Don’t Ask” part meant that nobody could ask you if you were a gay or a lesbian. Or even a bi-sexual. And the top brass couldn’t investigate to find out; they couldn’t go to your home, ask your friends or follow you to bars or meetings.
There doesn’t appear to be a “Don’t Ask” part in this policy in AA.
A rumour circulated in the Toronto area that there was a new AA group in Richmond Hill which, although it read the traditional 12 Steps of AA, also shared an interpretation of some of the steps without the “God” word.
Four self-appointed AA police officers decided to investigate and showed up at a Widening Our Gateway meeting on Sunday, November 20, 2011, and sure enough, they concluded, there was evidence of tampered steps.
A month later, on December 20, one of these detectives moved at Intergroup that Widening Our Gateway be suspended from Intergroup membership for changing the steps.
The motion will be voted on at the next Intergroup meeting.
Marissa Gaeta and Citalic Snell: The kiss that marked the end of "Don't Ask Don't Tell."
Meanwhile back in the United States military, the “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” policy finally came to an end on September 20, 2011. It took a while for the new rules to take effect but on December 21, in an article headlined “Gay Navy Couple Torpedo Don’t Ask Don’t Tell with First Kiss,” the San Diego News reported on an historic moment. Petty Officer Marissa Gaeta and her partner Citalic Snell became the first gay couple in Navy history to share the “first kiss” moment when the navy ship USS Oak Hill returned from Central America.
As The News reported: “It’s something new, that’s for sure,”Gaeta told a gaggle of reporters, after the kiss. “It’s nice to be able to be myself. It’s been a long time coming.”
Will the “Don’t Tell” policy at AA meetings ever come to an end?
Of course.
AA as a fellowship will meet this new challenge or, as Joe, a founding member of an agnostic AA group put it: “My bold prediction is that if AA doesn’t accommodate change and diversify, our 100th anniversary will be a fellowship of men and women with the same stature and relevance as the Mennonites; charming, harmless and irrelevant.”
Remember, everything is always impossible until, well, it turns out to be both possible and normal. Look at the picture of Marissa and Citalic again.
It’s been a long time coming but nonbelievers will yet have a place in the rooms of AA.
In the meantime, for God’s sake:
“Don’t Tell.”
I am not a Christian in the truest form, I do not believe in Jesus, I do not recite the Lord’s Prayer after any AA meeting, and I do not care what others in AA think of this. I speak of this in AA meetings, and find that most accept me for who I am. I also find that many have approached me to say they are relieved to know they are not alone as they feel the same as I. That said, I do believe there is a spirit that is guiding me, and this belief is due to the fact that left to my own devices I would not be sober today.
As a long time member of Alcoholics Anonymous (25 plus years), I hope that the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions are never changed. There is absolutely no need for this. These principles have worked “miracles”
for over 75 years. They are designed for those who wish to believe in a Higher Power. If you do not wish to follow them, start your own society and modify them to your hearts content. Quite honestly there is not one single answer that fits every case.
I wish all that suffer from addiction peace and happiness. And no matter how you find it, PASS IT ON!!!
I am going to assume, Neil, that when you say “start your own society” you are not being rude and dismissive but instead you are trying to be helpful.
First, you report that people accept you for who you are at meetings, even though you are not a Christian and don’t say the Lord’s Prayer at the end of meetings. I’m happy for you Neil. I don’t know where you go to meetings but your experience is not universal. Many people who don’t believe in God and are honest about it are treated with disdain and contempt in the rooms of AA.
I am glad that this is not your experience. And then of course there are the non-believing newcomers to AA who are put off by all the God talk and the Lord’s Prayer and don’t come back. It’s possible that you just don’t care about them. A lot of people in AA don’t, apparently. Those people should say their Lord’s Prayer but never, ever recite the AA Responsibility Declaration.
Finally you say that if we want to change the steps we should start our own society. Don’t have to, Neil. Two reasons. First, the steps are “suggestions” only. I could just have five steps, say, or toss them out entirely and still be a member of, or a group in, AA. Second, AA is for everybody with a desire to stop drinking. Repeat: Everybody. So I fit! I’m staying!
What I find disturbing are the religionists who are trying to have AA all for themselves. If they want a fellowship only for those who believe in God, don’t you think, Neil, that they should consider starting their own society? Christians for Sobriety, or something like that?
I’m just saying…
The problem in all this, is that someone on one side has produced an issue that is like an empty balloon… and the other side has produced enough air to keep the balloon inflated…
This situation is not unique, or sadly uncommon…
But as much as the one side insists on pushing one aspect of the religious question… the other side.. insists on promoting the other side.
Both are wrong in my opinion… because in the distraction both parties have forgotten what AA is supposed to be about… namely the newcomer.
And making the path and the doorway as wide as possible…
And while everyone is fighting this battle of words over an issue that is divisive… the atmosphere of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell rules on both sides…
To the degree that the energies are spent proving the other side wrong, the danger is we Don’t Ask the newcomer how he or she is doing, and we Don’t Tell them the wonder of finding sobriety.
And from where I sit… that is a lose lose situation for everyone.
That first day everyone was a teacher… and you know what I don’t know whether anyone went to church or no and I could have cared less whether they did or did not.
That is my experience yours might be different.
Rick (No religions or anti religions were harmed in the making of this comment.)
I always have to ask myself: How much of this disapproval (“shifting of fannies”?) from other AA members because of my sharing/ whatever about being an agnostic comes from my own perception and because of the fact that I’ve self-programmed to feel defensive/ extra sensitive about it? I’m just saying.
My experience through several decades of AA is that if one speaks out defiantly on just about anything, there is a reaction. I almost caused a riot in my early days when I brought up the topic of smoking addiction among the members.
I’m an agnostic but have never felt treated as a second class citizen because of this. But I don’t make a big issue of it – I simply ignore the religious trappings that I see – e.g. I never participate in the recitation of the LP.
I have encountered far more disapproval when I questioned AA dogma such as the efficacy of “working the steps” than over my personal take on the existence of an HP.
I’m very surprised that an agnostic meeting would be delisted by Central Office given the principle that every group is autonomous. Perhaps there is more to that story than revealed here.
I go to mainstream AA meetings in Mokena, Illinois, and at almost every meeting I hear reverential praise for “god” and a “higher power.” I frequently say at these meetings that I don’t believe there’s any evidence for either one, and that AA works not because of anything supernatural, but because of people helping people. Many AA’s don’t like it when I say this, and I suspect that I am not one of the most popular members in Mokena, but they are not going to stop me from openly expressing my opinions on this subject. I refuse to be bound by groupthink or to yield to social pressure to conform to nonsensical notions.
And no one at the meetings can condescendingly tell me, as if I were a newcomer in dire need of learning the AA ropes, to “keep coming back” until I finally fall to my knees in prayer, because I have been sober for many years.
Several results of my difference of opinion over a higher power are that: I have become somewhat detached from AA, I don’t usually like the meetings very much at all, and I found that it really isn’t difficult for me to rely primarily on myself rather than AA for sobriety.
I very much related to what Steve has written. My own experience is that if I speak out defiantly, my support group then becomes my opponent at the debating society – not a healthy situation for me. Over the years, I have developed ways of putting forward an alternative approach, for the consideration of newcomers or any others, in a mostly inoffensive manner. Of course, the hard core “gawd-squadders” and BB fundamentalists can get ‘bent’ over any hint of diversity. I’ve sat home for a few weeks in ‘boycott’, and for me this isn’t healthy.
For me it’s become a game. When I can make people feel good, while telling them they’re wrong – I win. I have some dear friends among the severely deluded.
APPENDICE II – “SPIRITUAL EXPERIENCE”
“Most emphatically we wish to say that any alcoholic capable of honestly facing his problems in the light of our experience can recover, provided he DOES NOT CLOSE HIS MIND TO ALL SPIRITUAL CONCEPTS. He CAN ONLY BE DEFEATED by an ATTITUDE oF INTOLERANCE or BELLIGERENT DENIAL.” BB/570/3
Can one imagine an “own concept” of God that is ALL INCLUSIVE to a point where it included a religious God, a North American Indian Creator, an Athiest Inner Strength, and Agnostic Creative Intelligence. Etc, Etc, Etc.
Something that included ALL SPIRITUAL CONCEPTS including – “Group Of Drunks” – “Good Orderly Direction.”
Could that be what the author (of this piece in the book that was added to the Second Edition) was trying to get across to those of us that would be reading this instructional guide to emotional sobriety???
“The Great Reality”
Thanks Hayden. This appendix from the Big Book is one of the readings at the Beyond Belief Agnostics Meeting in Toronto. It ends of course with this quote from Herbert Spencer: “There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguments and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance — that principle is contempt prior to investigation.”
What many folks fail to acknowledge is that Herbert Spencer’s reputation in Victorian England was very much due to his quite vocal agnosticism and therefore his commitment to freedom of expression. It’s quite ironic that those who wish everyone would adhere strictly to everything that is in the Big Book with reference to a deity as one’s higher power, ignore Spencer’s agnosticism but whose statement about principled inquiry was nonetheless deemed worthy to be quoted in the Big Book by the early pioneers of AA.
There is an important corollary to Spencer’s observation:
“There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguments and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance — that principle is acceptance prior to investigation.”
Is there an address to which we can send a letter of disapproval to the Toronto Intergroup meeting? The intolerance there is so antithetical to the non-judgmental ethos of AA. I am a believer but I find this exclusionary approach as offensive as the right-wing fanaticism in the U.S.
Thanks for your comment, Tim. You can write to: GTA Intergroup AA, Suite 202, 234 Eglinton Ave West, Toronto, ON, M4P 1K5. The email address is office@intergroup.org. And you can also email the Intergroup chair, Barb H, at bjhai@rogers.com. Somebody needs to tell them about the Traditions!
I will send emails reminding them of the traditions.
Solidarity and serenity.
I know what you are saying about the “freeze” that can be put on when the atheist word is uttered. Since we have seven agnostic meetings in New York City, I only regularly attend those but have gotten over my trepidation of saying I am an atheist when asked to speak at other meetings. I now always make sure I say it and in the past few years (I have 12 in all) I don’t get any flak. I don’t get aggressive about it, just state it simply and explain that I am a secular humanist and that I find will power and peer power enough. Invariably, people come up to me after the meeting and say, in effect, “I am with you.”
I do believe that times are changing. American AA is, I believe, more tolerant than Canadian because the leader here believes in a big tent. We are allowed to have meetings that are advertised as being without prayers. However, as you probably know, we were asked to remove our altered steps from our website. It doesn’t really matter; we distribute our own printed version at meetings.
I think it is important to be patient but not silent. It is important for people to know that it is possible to stay sober without a higher power. We have a welcome free space in a Brooklyn hospital because the hospital has a drunk tank and wants to offer AA on premises, hosting both a traditional and an agnostic meeting. Some patients steadfastly will not attend a religious AA meeting and the hospital recognizes this. Our meeting has grown in its eight years from two or three people to a regular over-20.
Patience and good luck!
I think the same predjudice goes the opposite way. If I sit in a meeting and claim Jesus as my Higher Power, I get the same looks and shuffling in the seats. It is so hard to be a Christian in AA where so many people are “spiritual” as opposed to “religious,” as if you can’t be both. Thank you for the viewpoint, I got a lot from it. I know that there are prejudices from EVERY angle and I look forward to the day when the rooms of AA are TRULY all inclusive, never exclusive.
Thanks for your very poignant and heartfelt observations, Andrea. Your sharing this and your call for full inclusiveness is much appreciated.
I’m not surprised. In the meetings I tend to go to, your statement would get a lot more attention than declaring oneself an agnostic or atheist.
Many of us have unpleasant memories of the various Christian sects we belonged to as children, and there is some resentment still lurking in the background.
This very welcome essay gets right to the heart of what made traditional AA meetings such a disappointment for me, a non-believer. I felt like a fraud (even a hypocrite), and not able to participate fully, and was therefore distracted from the issue of addiction. At my Agnostic meetings, where it’s all about the real issue–alcoholism–there’s freedom to experience and benefit from the fellowship, without that distraction of flying under false colours.
‘Don’t ask, don’t tell’ extends to everyone in AA. It follows from ‘As we understood Him’.
If 1000 AAs all choose their own conception of God, they can’t all be right. Many or most AAs are staying sober by believing falsehoods. This is why it’s bad form to discuss particulars of our beliefs in AA. It draws attention the fact that we can’t all be right.
It is an open secret in AA that ‘as we understood Him’ is a psychological and emotional trick. If our beliefs don’t have to be true, then many of us have a fictional Higher Power. The fellowship and other principles in AA are keeping us sober.
But don’t say that out loud.
https://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=162440303781155
Thanks again to Roger for picking up on this so, so apt analogy and for writing on it with such power and lucidity.
I have now made six visits to the agnostic groups, and AA-wise, there is more the same than different. It is a rare pleasure to be in an environment where one is not required to apologize for one’s “second class” membership status.
For many years I have taken the risk of speaking out for, and reaching out to the prospects who seem to bristle at the “missionary” approach. In this endeavour, it is always incumbent on me to use the utmost tact and diplomacy, or risk complete “pariah” status. Partial “pariah” status, I can live with.
A study of AA history is quick to reveal that the “first hundred” lacked the unanimous “I was saved by finding God” story as presented in our book. Robert Thomsen, an AA member who “worked beside Bill during the last twelve years of his life,” wrote the 1975 biography, Bill W. Of AA in New York in the late thirties, he wrote:
There is nothing new in what is being said here, other than it being said louder.
I am deeply convinced that there is an audience for what we have to say. Again, my thanks for a very fine blog.
Bob K in Whitby
Interesting piece, why so harsh on the poor old Mennonites tho? When we run out of oil they might not seem so irrelevant!